#Asexuality is a special project by WM Daily. Asexuals are the ones who who do not experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is a phenomenon that has always existed. Still there are millions of people, who have never heard of it.  WM Daily wants to change things. Our goal is to tell real stories about asexuality to a wider audience.


Despite it is the end of April, Moscow is still not a very warm place. You heart and soul urges for taking scarfs and coats off and change into spring dresses and t-shirts, but cold wind and dark clouds leave you absolutely no choice. We`ve met on one of such days in the heart of the city – near Red Square, and decided to take a walk.

Femininity and elegance are the first words that came to my mind when I saw her. Dark blue trench matched her “deep” eyes, emphasizing amazing sense of fashion. We haven`t seen each other for a long time. After we reached the park, we sat on the bench and Sonya started her story:

“My younger brother liked watching films with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yes, that cool films, where hot halfnaked guys fight and do various tricks. We`ve always watched these films together. Once my dad entered the room and laughed: “I know why you like to watch that. I bet you want to see naked men!” I didn`t get the joke – my brother was watching it too! “He is a boy!” – the answer was. That was the first “wake-up call”. But I didn`t pay much attention to it”.
Do you remember your middle school times? When girls got dressed in the changing rooms after P.E. lessons?”- she asked.

In our childhood, changing rooms were an essential part the girls` life – some kind of Chamber of Secrets. Burning questions, news and gossips were discussed and shared here. We all had some of the most favourite topics, but boys and sex were on the top of the list. Few had some real experience, but many were willing to express their opinion and laugh. We were not “too digital” at that times (yep, we lived without the Internet) and changing rooms were our best source of cool stories.

“In the changing room, after P.E. girls talked bout guys – who had the hottest body, who really turned them on and what would have done with them if they could. I just didn`t understand – I thought it`s okay, as I haven`t met those guys, whom I would consider sexy. I was popular at school – many boys liked me, a lot of them talked about love, but I didn`t believe them. Moreover, I didn`t want to get into the relationship. I had so many interesting things to do, so I preferred not to waste my time on people I didn`t like too much”.

Cold April reminded of itself with sharp drops of rain. We headed to the nearest coffee shop. In case you love coffee as much as I do, order the large mochaccino – this is the key ingredient of warm evenings and sincere conversations. After a few sips of aromatic drink, Sonya continued her story:

“When I was eleven, we lived in a flat with thin walls. At night I could hear what was happening next door – in my parents` room. You may probably guess what kind of sounds that were. That sounds provoked strange reaction of my body – I felt a slight stinging and burning and some warmth in the stomach. At that times I just stared at the ceiling or tried to shut my eyes, thinking: “Please, stop doing that”. I did my best to stifle these unknown and strange sensations. Sometimes, when I go back to these times, I feel like that`s when I broke something inside me.

I`ve always liked like self-analysis. My past experience I somehow compared to the plot of “Nymphomaniac”. This film influenced me to a large extent. I`ve also read several articles on the internet and diagnose myself asexuality. I hurried up to tell my friends: “I`m asexual”. They were supportive, but kept telling me: “You`ve read some bullshit on the Internet, that`s rubbish – you can`t be asexual”. So, I decided to take action and make things right”.

“If I ever liked some boy, I immediately had “dumbbells on my soul” [heavy heart]. Once a boy invited me for a date, and I felt bad about it for three days. When I thought that sooner or later I`ll have someone close, I was getting sad. I knew that I had to spend time with him, kiss and do the things that other couples do.  And that seemed a complete waste of time to me. Maybe because I`m an egoist: I like to have time for myself. But I was curious about kissing – I wanted to try and experience that!

In the 9th grade I decided it`s high time to give myself a try. That`s why I agreed to date a guy. He was handsome and cute enough to meet my criteria. We met and spent time together once a week – I didn`t want more. I had no intention to hug him, to say nothing about any kind of desire. Probably he wasn`t the right guy for me”.

That made me think about giving up in search of an identity. It applies not only to sexuality, but to exploring personality in general. Giving up means to accept things easily without trying to prove them wrong. Because the second requires strength and commitment. After this long way the words about self-acceptance and choice sound conscious. As the story went on, I was getting more and more inspired by fragile and yet so strong woman, sitting in front of me.

“My first kiss happened when I was 18”, – she continued. “That`s when I was determined to try something that people were talking about do much. I wanted to be like all girls: to express connection, to feel dependence on a person, to want someone. It happened with a man I wasn`t in love with – we did it just for fun. Unfortunately, I didn`t feel any butterflies in my stomach. After we kissed, I didn`t want to see him. I also avoided dates with him. I couldn`t see the point in that.

One month later I finally kissed “that very” man. From the first days of our friendship I felt mental connection with him. And that was very pleasant, especially in emotional context. As you see, even after the first “fail”, I did not felt disgust for kisses and men. It turned out that I like hugs with my man – he was the first person, I really wanted to hug. But I still don`t like french kisses. And, well… it grew into long-distance relationship. It comes easy for me – I don`t feel a need for sex, so I don`t have to abstain. Sometimes we meet, and these are the happiest moments!

When I found out, that we`d see each after a long separation, love texts and Skype talks, I assumed we will have sex. That`s what normal people do when they finally met, right? So I decided to practice and, probably discover my sensibility in process. Sex is very important for my boyfriend and I this was why I had to deal with my asexuality somehow”.

“It was okay, but I couldn`t say I`ve reached the cloud nine or something like that. It was ordinary. Again, I had a hope that sex for love could brought me a new kind of sensations. But that didn`t happen either. But at least I`m good at imitating sighs and moans. However, I do feel satisfaction. Mental satisfaction from the fact he`s here, with me, body and soul”.

“Does he know?”, – I asked. “No”, – she answered. “I cannot bring myself to tell him about that. I don`t want to talk about it with him – I hesitate telling some hard news. He cares a lot about sex. Sometimes, when the things don’t work out, he says it`s due to my  inexperience. At the same time, he never tells me what exactly he likes. He wants me to guess, “to surprise”. And I want to “heal”, to change for his sake”.

We haven’t noticed our moccachino vanished from our mugs as well as the other coffee lovers, who sat at the nearest tables. “There`s nothing bad in having sex: what is natural is not dirty”, –  Sonya continued. “I`m just indifferent to it. But I`m ready to work on my sexuality. I know I`m attractive and desired in the eyes of society. I am absolutely normal and asexuality is what has happened to me naturally. And this is my choice. I am sure I can kiss any man I want and that gives me confidence”.

By that time it wasn`t raining anymore. The lights came on, reflecting in wet asphalt.


April 2017. Moscow, Russia

 

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