Asexuality may take many forms: from the lack of sexual desire to its complete absence. Scientists say there are two types of asexuality: congenital and acquired. Asexuals of the second type can feel pleasure, however due to some reasons, they avoid sexual relationships. Andrey, university student, shared a story of his acquired asexuality.


#Asexuality is a special project by WM Daily. Asexuals are the ones who who do not experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is a phenomenon that has always existed. Still there are millions of people, who have never heard of it.  WM Daily wants to change things. Our goal is to tell real stories about asexuality to a wider audience.

Childhood

I was born in Moscow, but several years later my parents moved to Moscow suburbs. My family is very wealthy. So, the parents hired the governess since my early childhood. She taught me to play the piano, to read and to draw. My father died in the 90`s – mum was in pain, sick with the grief. All he left after he had gone was me. 

As you may have already guessed, I was the only child and my relatives gave me everything I could’ve ever wanted. My mother always said I should be humble and calm in any situation, especially with other children. So, I tried to be. But at school it turned out to be a problem. When I was five, my mother married again. My new father (stepfather) decided to take me to sports. So, I did football, wrestling, swimming, golf, tennis and mountain-skiing. That was the first time when a was made to do something.

Kindergarten was the place where I first fell in love. Her name was Ella. We met every day, because we were not only in one class, but also lived next door. Unfortunately, I was to shy to talk to her: every time we started a conversation, I barely couldn`t say a word and stuttered.

School

I was very quiet and dreamy. When I had my head in the clouds during the lessons, my teacher creeped up to my desk and hit my fingers with a pointer. The shock was so strong, that I had to change school.

In the new school everyone knew me as a cute and calm guy. Everything was great until the 5th grade. By that time my classmates started feeling envy. That was the year when they started bullying me: they hit me, pushed in the toilet, took my personal things, threw the soil in my backpack. But I`ve never told my parents and teachers about that. I just stopped studying as well as I used to.

Suddenly my body, as well as my character, began changing. It took my 4-5 months to outgrew all my classmates and became as high as seniors. I couldn`t hold my aggression and every day I put up a fight. And sometimes, when I couldn`t find a victim, I crushed doors and windows. During my school years, I broke 5 doors, my nose and several fingers. Three times I sent to the principal’s office, four times – to school psychologist. Once I even hit a teacher. That was awful. My parents desperately tried to suppress my aggression and channel it into sports,but that didn`t work out. Some time after, I became very shy. I was afraid to hurt somebody and apologized for any tiny thing.

Frankly, I don`t clearly remember those times, because I`m going to a therapist for two years and we`ve almost erased bad school memories. Since the 8th grade I started drinking and met a group of guys, who became my good friends. They helped me to become better, and I turned to calm and cheerful life again.

Love

For me love means finding a person, who makes you happy just because he or she exists in your life.I love my friend. No matter what we`re doing, I am happy because we are together. Once we`ve made up a joke about our female-prototypes: if we met our doppelgangers, we would have married them immediately. We complement and support each other. So, I can tell I love him. I suppose, real love to a women should be the same, or even stronger than that.

As I`ve already mentioned, I fell in love in Ella from kindergarten for the first time. At school I was indifferent to girls. Everyone was so mad about dating and kissing, but I didn`t care. Once, my friends encouraged me to choose the girl I like the most and give her a present for Valentine`s Day. I made a card, cut out 101 heart and put into the envelope with a letter. But I didn`t get the answer. She came up to me and said: “You`re cute, but you are just my friend”.

At the moment, all my friends are dating someone. Every time we go out, I feel awkward, especially when they kissed or hugged each other. You know, I can`t understand how can you have sex with someone you love. This is why I can`t watch them kissing. And when I imagine that some day they gonna marry and have kids, I feel uncomfortable. I understand, that everyone has natural needs. But I believe that one can handle on its own, avoiding desecrating someone`s body.

Asexuality

I didn`t know anything about asexuality until you started your #Asexuality project. Our mutual friend knew my whole story and she told me, that I was the one, who call themselves asexual. And when you showed up with this project, I made up my mind to share my thoughts.

I have to start by saying that my cousin took me to brothel at the age of 13. Soon it became a regular practice: I visited such places at least once a month. I`ve tried every Karma Sutra position. But when I turned 15, I started to notice that I no longer like sex. I didn`t feel any attraction or desire. It got to the point that I had to drink alcohol to have sexual intercourse with women. I`ve stopped visiting brothels 3 years ago. My friends wondered wether my sexuality had changed, but boys didn`t attract me either.

There was a girl. She liked me a lot and tried to be nice and seductive. Once (a year ago) I got drunk and hooked up with her. When we got naked, I suddenly saw not a girl, but a flesh lying under me. A flesh that could be used for satisfaction. The moment I understood that, I got scared, ran away and never talked to her again.

I have no idea of how to deal with my asexuality. I used to feel desire, but it feels like I “acquired asexuality”. That`s strange, that I can`t meet a woman, who would turn me on.  

Despite I indentify myself as asexual, I like watching hentai. I love anime and its the only thing that still reminds me of my “sexual” background. Sometimes it turns me on. I`m a perfectionist. In any “real” girl there are imperfections. But anime girls are perfect, because they are drawn! Curves, face expressions, plots and characters – they are ideal.

People, who surround me, are different – most of them are really addicted to sex. They go clubbing and hook up with easy girls. Now I want to find people, who share my views on sex and sexuality. I`m not looking for the community of asexuals – communication is more important than just a common feature.

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